A few days ago i saw a post on facebook, a friend had posted, “don’t fall back in the arms of someone you know you don’t belong with just because you are lonely.“
When I saw the post I thought to myself, ‘now isn’t that just the darn truth’ and I quickly dismissed the post before my thoughts started to wander.
Today however I found myself thinking about the post again, somehow without any warning it had found its way in.
As I stepped out of church I felt the intense heat of the sun on my back and I was reminded that summer was quickly on its way. The heat felt familiar and clung to my skin like grease.
Though people were busy moving about my world felt still, the sun held something in me hostage and I knew it. The vehicles that went by clamoured along desperately, desperate for relief, desperate for shade. I paused to observe an old van in the distance and at that moment I felt uneasy in my own flesh.
As the vehicle disappeared its black toxic life force breathed in the atmosphere and I immediately felt the desire to undo me. Right then and there I wanted to unzip my flesh and exist only in my skeleton remains if that were at all possible.
As I walked to the car I thought of nature and how easily it aligns itself with my thoughts and feelings. There are some days that take me back to a place in my childhood and then there are other days that take me right back to him. HIM – that heated internal memory, that heat that burns away every rationale in me, that kind of heat that only a storm can quench.
When I got home the trees looked at me suspiciously and I hung my head in shame as my thoughts began to perfume me. As I got to the front door a sweet smelling fragrance arose and I found myself thinking, ‘is he ok… I wonder if he has dinner today… is he home…’ and then of course, ‘maybe I should call or text him…’
I knew it had started, I was fast approaching the place I didn’t want to go. I looked at my cell and the rising buttons seemed tempting, ‘touch me!’, they begged. I used hesitant fingers to hit the refresh button so I could see the screen clearly and I held the instrument that seemed to separate me from him and looked at it.
I then could not remember anything and I spent a few minutes just staring at the time and mimicking the seconds as they went by… 2:17pm…5/6/2012… My heart paced me… 2:19pm…
In that moment I realized that so much time had passed, it was a new day. I thought about all the things I had and wanted to do, things that did not include him. With the painstaking heat still digging at my flesh I felt my friend’s facebook status start to penetrate me, “dont fall back in the arms of someone you know you don’t belong with just because you are lonely.“
As it flowed on the inside i felt an even more familiar peace begin to overtake me, it was the kind of peace that i had come to know and love, it was the kind of peace that only God could give and the kind i wanted to feel forever.